The Future Of Korea (And Afghanistan)

I do sometimes miss teaching kindergarten. I miss being able to reduce them all to hysterics with such simple acts as going cross-eyed, putting a pen on my head, or throwing them in the air and usually catching them.

However, for all the cuteness and hilarity, it was consistently hard work, and often descended into complete unstructured madness which left you feeling absolutely exhausted. Also, the elementary classes I used to teach were invariably below the standard of some kindergarten classes, but with added attitude and nonchalance. This, I now realise, despite having zero extra teacher duties, was a very poor situation to be in.

How refreshing, then, to experience an almost pedantically organised school, and to teach one of the more advanced levels, B5. I can give any instructions to these kids, and they will usually understand first time. Luckily, there are still quite a few comedians to help elevate the atmosphere north of Auschwitz, only this time, they do it from the comfort of their own seat, and know when enough is enough. I have officially never had to employ the teacherly "Claw Of Doom" once in this first two months. Here are some of my current crop......

(B501 - Ann, Paige, Christina, Felicity, Emily, Jenny, Jane, Calvin, David. Disappointingly, no comical names, I'll have to name some of the new batch when they arrive. I'm thinking Rambo, Lucifer, Screech, and Withnail will do the trick. If there are twins again, like those absent today, then possibly Lambert and Butler. The resident geniuses in B501 are Ann and the twins, although inexplicably David scored highest on the monthly test. I watched him during the test and I could swear he was picking random answers, or maybe he is actually a cheeky wee brainbox. While I mark homework, I let them all chat, so long as it is in English, and I always receive my daily wrestling update listening to Calvin and David, and watching them re-enact moves with the contents of their pencil cases. Usually, The Undertaker is played by the jumbo black marker, Batista the ruler, and Kane the Stanley Knife that I really need to speak to David about.....)

(B504 - Regina, Michelle, Diana, Susie, Jamie, Helen, Annie, Billy, George, Leo, Sam. Ah, the only class which sometimes threaten to go too far, due to the raucous duo on the right hand side. Again, no names that are likely to raise a smile, unless you're from Saskatchewan. Resident genius would be Jamie, but, again, in the monthly test it was a home run for the boys, with Sam and Leo bagging the top two places. They are both going through an Afghanistan phase, and would like to join the Taliban and take on George Bush ("Bushyman"). They also claim to know where Osama Bin Laden is ("He is my father!"). However, this is all done with tongue firmly in cheek, I think. A typical B504 class will be punctuated at regular intervals Sam shouting "I love you teacher!", "Teacher, I'm your number one fan", and "(insert name of celebrity) is my father!". Usually, there will be an exchange between a few class members running similar to this...

"What are you looking at?!"
"Your face!"
"You are a crazy person."
"Your face is crazy."
"You are handicapped"
"You need to go to the mental hospital"
"Teacher, teacher! He/she is handicapped. Take her to mental hospital!"

This is usually depicted in full glory by arms being reinserted up sleeves with elbows sticking out like stumps, and flapped around. It's at this point I have to restore order to the class. However, when they are kept in line, they are a clever and entertaining bunch, despite aspirations in global terrorism.)

Here are another couple of B504, complete with Billy being attacked by mime fireballs. I'm going to take the camera in again on Friday, and see if anyone wants to be videoed talking nonsense. I'm sure I can rustle up some volunteers!

Most Ridiculous T-Shirt 2007/08

In Korea, you will never see any clothing with the Korean script anywhere other than on the washing instructions. This is bizarre for a country swelling with such pride over their celebrated lettering system; even designating a specific date a National Holiday in honour of this 'scientific' alphabet.

On a frequent basis, we instead have the pleasure of seeing the most nonsensical examples of terrible English emblazoned across various items of clothing, and often failing to even find a grammatical solution to the sentence. They are that bad.

In a running tribute to this glorious facet of Korean culture, I am going to try and find THE most ridiculous slogans, and will strive to provide accompanying proof by asking said unwitting fashion hiccups to pose in front of my ever trusty lens.

The impetus to start this investigation, came as I saw someone wearing this exceptionally wrong T-shirt..

"Eat Black Red Dunk? Yes Come Me Blue. Yes?"

Gobsmacking.

Someone else spotted a student, a girl of around 13, wearing a black t-shirt with this plastered across it in neon pink......

"JIZZ. ALLWAYS"

That's just wrong.

Jeju-do Day Two: Chris Vs The Volcano

I really can't explain why I like mountains. Most people must think I'm some kind of mong, but it's cheap, keeps the belly at bay, and always rewarding in terms of scenery and a sense of achievement. And seriously, once you feel mentally and physically exhausted, getting drunk afterwards feels magical. On this particular day, the post-hike plan was set in stone, and much anticipated. My glorious room in the Tapdong Motel contained a MASSIVE bath, and, obviously, beer in the bath after a climb was going to be legendary. Not actually bathing in beer, although that would be nice also, but drinking it. Maybe that's what heaven is like.

Getting up at around 7am to beat the crowds, I loaded up on water and Polos, and waited for the cross-island bus, which turned out to come at 90 minute intervals. As I was to find out later today, "90 minute intervals" is actually more like, "whenever the driver feels like it, in between naps".

So, Halla-san..... It's a big volcano, standing 1950m high, the highest peak in South Korea. There are bigger ones in the North, but it's a bit difficult to get there, and possibly not advisable. The crater holds a lake called Baengnokdam ("White Deer Lake"), which can be 2km in circumference, and 100m deep, depending on the season. As you probably know, we are right in the middle of rainy season, so this lake should look quite spectacular at this sub alpine level. Folklore had it that benevolent wizards existed on the mountain, and that they entertained themselves at the lake crater while riding on white deer. Which sounds fun.

With my firm belief that a hike should be a gruelling and punishing affair, I chose the second hardest of the 4 main trails, the Eorimok Course. This proved to be a bad choice, as I soon learned at the trailhead that this trail was closed at 1710m, as was one of the others. Given the infrequent buses, and limited access roads, it was far too late to attempt to get around to the other trails, so, feeling fairly dejected, I set off for my poofish 1710m goal. To begin with, you couldn't really see any huge peaks, as they were all over and beyond some smaller peaks, within the park interior.



The first third of the trail runs through dense forest, and is a constantly steep and demanding course. Signs warned the unwary traveller of the dangers of the snakes and insects present on the mountain. Halla-san is said to have quite a unique blend of ecosystems, as you rise from the island's sub-tropical system to the sub-alpine region near the top. Jeju-do hosts noticeably larger, and more abundant, insects and reptiles, and the trail was frequently interrupted by curious black and red spiders. I was excited at the prospect of being attacked by a snake, but didn't see any.



After the steep climb through the forest, I emerged onto vast grassy plains of volcanic rock, and realised I was at cloud level. I had read that Halla-san is covered by cloud more often than not, so with the fortuity of blue sky still above me, I quickened my step before the whole area was shrouded in mist. At this point, the TK Maxx hiking boots reminded me painfully of their cheapness, not coping too admirably with the jagged, black rocks. Thankfully, intermittent walkways eased the pain a little.



With my previous record being our very own Ben Nevis, at 1344m, it was nice to see this sign. Although, I really don't think I started at sea-level, to be fair. Similarly to Nevis actually, the final ascent, in this case a monstrously steep crater, didn't become visible until near the end, and was quite a breathtaking sight. It's just a shame I knew that my journey would end at the foot of it. But, seriously, the pictures do not do justice to how massive and imposing this crater appears. The final ascent must be shockingly difficult.




I never expected to find a thistle on top of a volcano on a tropical Asian island. How bizarre!





I had the obligatory lunch and photo session, and right after that, as if on cue, thick clouds barrelled through the surrounding peaks, and visibility was reduced to about 2 metres in front of your face! On the way back down, I passed about 50 different school/scouts/taekwondo trips, once again highlighting the necessity of starting these trips early. "Hello!". "Nice to meet you!". "How are you?". "Where are you from?"...ad infinitum. I still usually enjoy these exchanges, and tend to stop for a wee chat. But, the thought of getting pished in my bath made me less conversational than usual.

Being a masochist, I returned to the carpark about 3 hours ahead of schedule, so decided to climb an adjacent peak, the name of which escapes me. That way, I could justify some boozing, I thought. It turned out to be a good idea, as it provided me with a good view beyond the first peaks and of the crater itself. Look hard at the next picture and you'll see it, miles in the distance, I was up there! OK, OK, not the very top, I know......but I will return!



I waited 90 minutes for the bus. Nothing. Another 30 minutes, still nothing. It was absolutely roasting, and foolishness meant i had not invested in any sun block, so I was forced to don the wicker hat I had purchased in the bus station. Unfortunately, it was too late, and my face had turned purple. After a while, a Korean lady pulled up, and despite her knowing zero English, we managed to converse adequately enough in Korean to secure myself a lift back to Shin Jeju. This was close enough for me, and preferable to waiting on the probably pished bus driver to come past eventually. The lady turned out to be utterly demented, and I could not wait to exit the vehicle, but thanks anyway Jeju woman, you're a legend!



Aaaah after celebrating with with beer and bath, I went along for some meat, amazing the locals with my beetroot face. Then, I bumped into some other foreigners, bought more beer, and got wrecked on the esplanade. At one point, we were corralled into a hotel nightclub, which resembled a largescale Phoenix Nights, complete with a Korean Elvis impersonator onstage. It was mesmerising and atrocious in equal measure, so it was a shame to learn it was 40,000W just to sit down at a table. Unfortunately, we escaped so fast I forgot to take a picture, let alone a video, but it was a memorable end to a fantastic day.

I'll finish with a picture taken on the following day, but relevant nonetheless, as, from a distance, you can see the more typical volcano form of Halla-san. Well, it's half-time with the whole Jeju adventure. Before days 3 and 4 are posted, it's time for more random issues. Such as..... Pentaport Rock Festival, the dog cafe, many genius noraebang moments, Northy's leaving night. On that note, it's more of a leaving all-dayer, so I better get ready. As if sorry to bid farewell to her favourite adopted son, Korea has parted her clouds and blessed our day with blue skies. I'm sure the feeling is mutual!

Jeju-do Day One: Filthy Sculpture

On my third week back in Korea, I happened to have a week long holiday. Despite having no money, I refused to waste the week, and embarked on a solo mission to Jeju island, to conquer the much talked about volcano, and laze around on tropical beaches. Thanks to Northy for the loan, here are some pictures from Day One. It's a little perverted. I'll keep the chat to a minimum, as there are much funnier posts to come, like dog cafes and drunken stuff.

I arrived at an ungodly 7am, and found myself a habitable motel near the waterfront. This was pointless, as there is no beach in Jeju City itself, and a motel near the bus terminal would've been more practical. Emerging from the airport, I was greeted by a congregation of palm trees and Dolharubang (Stone Grandfathers), iconic symbols of the island.

My first stop was the old traditional government complex in the city centre, where I could buy fish food and feed all the big fish in the pond. I felt like a bit of a simpleton doing this on my own, and enjoying it nonetheless.


The Jeju bus terminal is fairly dilapidated and hardly reliable. The bus I boarded didn't actually stop at my first destination, the notorious Jeju Loveland Sculpture Park, and I managed to make the driver pull over about a kilometre further down the dusty road. Before feasting my eyes on concrete cocks and brick boobs, however, I was eager to check out the nearby "Mysterious Road". This road is infamous as an area where things seemingly roll UPHILL. It's Jeju's own Bermuda Triangle, and I had planned ahead, bringing along two empty Pepsi cans to experiment with. How foolish I looked, placing my cans on the road for them to lie there motionless. I felt like Ralph Wiggum shouting "Go Banana!". Fortunately, a group in a car happened to pull up, turn the engine off, and yes indeed, appeared to roll backwards uphill!



The accompanying music just happened to sound like some cheesy X-Files/Mysterons theme, but was in fact part of a traditional Korean song. Uncanny!


After witnessing this gravity defying display of the supernatural, I recharged with some delicious Pajeon, and feasted on some eggs like Louis Cyphre in Angel Heart. I needed the energy, as my next stop was the filthfest of Jeju Loveland, possibly one of the most bizarre theme parks on the planet. I'll just let the pictures do the talking here......

On closer inspection, this stone filthmonger seemed to have crabs....

Why aren't the signs like this at Alton Towers? Unfortunately, there are no rides to enjoy in this park, so to speak.


Genius. Feeling a little unclean, I sheathed my camera and got back to civilisation. I needed to be fresh for my volcano assault early the next morning, so finished the day off by seeking out Yongduam (Dragon Head Rock), another popular symbol of Jeju. On the way, I found this old fella gazing winsomely out to sea. He'd been there all day!



On my way to Yongduam, I explored a ravine nearby, only to be attacked by an army of the biggest centipedes I'd ever ran away from, ever.




The following two pictures depict the area around Yongduam. It's actually the second picture that is Yongduam itself, but I really think the first one more resembles a dragon. But, I suppose if you stare at anything long enough it will resemble anything you want. I once thought that the Stay Puft marshmallow man was pelting me from the heavens, but, that's what happens dozing in the park on a summers day after a few litres of Frosty Jack.




Legend claims that once an emissary of the Dragon King ordered a search for the elixir of life on Mt. Halla but was struck by an arrow released by the angry mountain spirit and fell into the sea. Then the dragon king turned into stone with its body submerged into water but its head reared to the heaven.






As the sun set, I went back to the luxurious Tapdong Hotel, narrowly avoiding the giant cockroach in reception, and locating my room by ease due to it being the one next to the dildo machine. Tomorrow I was all set to climb the volcano I had talked about for about a year, but unfortunately, all did not go to plan.....

Gwanak-san and Yeonju-am

After all that drunken hilarity, I was feeling a little bit of a loser having not done anything productive or interesting since my arrival. Admittedly, I had done a lot of local exploring during the week, and the situation at school was very chaotic.

This school means business. The emphasis is wholly on studying and huge amounts of homework. Long gone are the days of teaching a 25 minute class for 10 minutes, then dishing out word searches for the remainder of the lesson. There will be no more variations on Ghost/Zombie/Monster Game created this year. This, it turns out, is a good thing. Instead, I teach four 80 minute classes, with hardcore teaching/studying from beginning to end. I feel I'm probably 10x better a teacher already than I was at the end of last year, and feel much more confident in the classroom. The secret weapon of this school, which helps us a great deal, is the existence of the detention room and it's constabulary of stick wielding enforcers. If a student fails to complete any of their homework, or misbehaves in any way, with a quick tick of a pen you can banish them to the detention room for a whole hour after class has concluded. When you consider that some classes finish at 9pm and 10pm, you can imagine how popular this punishment is with the kids. Another positive aspect, is the strict enforcement of no Korean being spoken or written in class. I used to speak as much Korean as English in the old school, so I now feel my classroom Korean drifting slowly away.....phrases such as "Be Quiet!", "Hurry Up!", "Sit Down!", "Don't Do That!", and "Yes, I Am Bald!", having very limited use in normal society. Not to mention, I've been here a month without uttering "Babo!", except perhaps to Northy. Lastly, I can't remember what it's like to have a kids fingers jabbed in my arse. Also, of course, a very good thing.

Oh, I've gone off on a tangent. Which would be fine if it was an Eddie Izzard anecdote about piles of jam and radiators, and not about boring old school. So, the point was, I was very busy to begin with. This school has quite a lot of extra work for the teachers, including phone tests, essay marking, test making, syllabus making, and much more. Usually these tasks are completed gradually throughout the month. Unfortunately for me, I arrived on the 9th, had lots of training the next week, a public holiday the next week, and was on holiday in Jeju-do the last week. I ended up having barely much more than a week to complete all of this work. However, with talk of performance based wage increases, I decided to soldier through it.

Well, I know many of you will be wetting yourself awaiting the sight of yet another mountain and temple, so I will tease you no longer!



Gwanak-san is a mountain in southern Seoul, which used to form a useful protective barrier when those pesky Japanese decided to embark on some pillaging. (If you want to go, the nearest subway station is probably Seoul Nat. University on Line 2 (green). It's a wimpy sounding 629 metres high, but after torrential rain, and in stifling humidity, there was no question of this being simply a leisurely walk in the park. The trail begins at a picturesque pond, where I invested in a rucksack capable of storing more than just a coat, an MP3 player, and a packet of Polos. A bargain at W10,000.



You can't tell from these pictures, but it was incredibly hot and humid. Luckily, almost the entire hike follows a stream, which, following all the recent rain, had blossomed into many cascading waterfalls and rapids. Every time the trail intersected the stream, it was a relief to stick your head in and have a wee drink !




It's hard to gauge in the picture above, but the waterfall here was quite an impressive height. I stopped to speak to some Austrian guy who was about to have a heart attack.



Clinging to the side of the thickly forested mountain are numerous temples and hermitages. The most well-known among them is Yeonju-am, a Buddhist sanctuary founded in the mid-600's, and it's associated hermitage nestled precariously above on Yeonju-dae.



The view to the south encompasses the cities of Anyang and Gwacheon. The rocky ridge leading to the hermitage was actually quite perilous, and I was surprised to see kids jumping about up there!



Obviously, with this mountain being in close proximity to an urban sprawl, there were a couple of installations present to remind you that you were in fact on a day out from Seoul, and not a warrior monk in the year 627 climbing up to the temple to achieve enlightenment. Bah!



As you see above, the hermitage on Yeonju-dae is balanced on quite a steep precipice. This tiny prayer hall to the Mountain Spirit, stands firm only due to the many stones which have been piled into the cracks of the vertically layerd rocks which form its foundation.



OOOooh, look how treacherous. Actually, I think this was the point at which the old timers turned back. Useless codgers!



The Austrian guy took this summit photo for me, surveying the world from an astonishingly colossal 629 metres. In actual fact, in the humidity, the final ascent was one of the hardest stretches of hiking I've ever done, but perhaps the 3 months of hardcore drinking and the occasional smoke back in Scotland had taken its toll!



This was taken from the hermitage you saw in the previous photo. This monk was very bashful, and needed some gentle persuasion to pose for a photo, claiming that she wasn't a "model"! She was busy arranging some brightly coloured lanterns to the side......




After returning from the hermitage, I checked out the main temple, Yeonju-am, and its prayer hall which houses a statue of Gwaneum and several thousand bronze Buddha images.




These clay pots are used for making and storing our beloved kimchi.




As usual, I probably looked extremely conspicuous trying to snatch photos of people praying inside the hall, but I really don't want to look like an ignorant fool just brazenly snapping away and being a twat.



Due to my fitness levels, and my need to fully explore all parts of the mountain, I was an hour and a half behind schedule for meeting Northy for some ribs and Die Hard 4 action. The situation was further compounded when I got on the wrong bus and ended up in Silim, with not a Won to my name. If I arrived at the mountain on the number 815 bus, it would make sense to catch the 815 bus on the other side of the road, pointing in the opposite direction, surely? Not in Korea, and I was quite lost in no time. At least it provided me with a decent view of Gwanak-san at the end of the road, but I'm pretty sure I should be on the other side of it......